I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past.
-Patrick Henry
I want to eat your history.
History consumption erases jealousy and uncertainty, and it is the easiest way to completely understand someone, to combine forces. I would love to know what it was like when you played baseball, or how you felt the first time you said “I love you.” I want your memories to be a part of my red blood cells, to be intimately acquainted with every awkward and triumphant moment, to know how you feel, to see what you see. I want to make you more a part of me than you are, more a part of me than is humanly or biologically possible. I want to absorb your past relationships, to smile and know why they were good and why they were bad and, hopefully, why I’m better. I want advance knowledge before I do something hurtful although, admittedly, I should know damn well after all this time.
I also want you to eat mine. I know I am illogical and irrational and unbelievable a lot of the time. I don’t know how to say I’m sorry, although I try; it always comes out “I’m not sorry” even though I really am. My mom says I have a giant ego but I’m lucky to have it, sometimes I’m not so sure about that last part.
But I have this theory. You eat my history, and you’ll totally get it, even more than you already do (which is more wonderfully complete than I ever expected, dont' get me wrong). Better yet, you won’t fear or doubt it, because it will make up your red blood cells, and you need those to stay alive. You’ll believe it, that last part of you that’s afraid to cave will crumble and there will be nothing left but total confidence because there will be no mystery.
Maybe that’s my problem, that I don’t want any mystery. I’m too fascinated, I want to know everything. Maybe I’m nosy. That’s probably it. Maybe I’m dedicated and inquisitive (that’s what my mom says to redeem herself after telling my I have a gigantic ego). Maybe it’s the answer, not the problem, just another course in the meal. Whatever the case, I’ve come up with a solution. I want to eat your history, and I want you to eat mine.
Comments